Are we waiting for a fairy tale happy ending?

There are four ’syndromes’ that keep women emotionally invested and flogging dead horses:

I Can Change Him Syndrome - That penchant for fixer uppers and trying to fit your square peg man into your cookie cut version ideal…

Betting On Potential Syndrome - You see something that he doesn’t see in himself or in the relationship. He may have displayed some wondrous qualities in the first few dates but he has failed to show them ever since, but you think that the beginning shows the potential for the happy ending.

Excess Baggage Syndrome -Everybody has some hand baggage and even a little to check in. You however let them pack on all their baggage, no matter how much it exceeds the baggage limit and no matter how much it weighs down your emotional plane… Of course even when they’re long gone from your life, you end up mixing in a little of their baggage with yours…

Women Who Talk Too Much Syndrome - Somewhere along the line you learnt that as long as you’re talking, you’re communicating and fighting for the survival of your relationship. It doesn’t matter that you might be saying too much of the wrong things, not matching your actions with your words, failing to listen, and having one way conversations…

All of the syndromes prevent you from living in reality. You’re so focused on the happy ending that you fail to recognise that it’s a miserable, self-esteem knocking journey en route. There is so much adversity, struggles, and pain amongst these syndromes that I guess it’s not that much of a stretch to believe that true love prospers and that the type of love in fairy tales needs you to get a few knocks and scrapes along the way.

Of course there is no such thing as a perfect man and you may be waiting a long time for that guy that will come along and rescue you from your existence and make it all better. Likewise, that frog that you keep kissing and hoping that he’ll turn into a prince, may just remain a frog…or a toad…or even turn into a snake.

The biggest thing though that we can learn from waiting for the fairy tale and the syndromes that befall our relationships is about managing our expectations. There’s nothing wrong with hoping and having a little fantasy but we have to start asking ourselves if our expectations are realistic or even obtainable, all in one person that has a penis dangling between his legs. Placing all of your expectations and desires for the happy ending on him rather than apportioning some of it in your direction may make for a rocky ending.

Realistically speaking, you get the happy ending with a relatively happy journey with a few bumps en route. If however you decide to travel the road with emotional ten car pile ups along the way…well that happy ending will remain out of reach.

Show your partner you love them.

First for the guys. Does your lady know you love her? Really? Its a simple thing to say "I love you" but just saying it is not enough. A woman needs your actions to tell her you love her just as much as your words. Yes at the start of the relationship you brought her flowers, candy, wrote her love letters. Well that was last month, year, longer? Think of it like this. She has a love gas tank that needs to be kept full. If you did something sweet for her a couple days ago she's probably running low and its time to fill that tank back up. And I am not saying a dozen roses every time. It can be simple. Write a little love note and stick it in her purse for her to find, Find a picture online of roses and use a paint program to write "I Love you" on it, Send it to her phone in a text. Rub her feet, back, shoulders and tell her how beautiful she is while you do it. Leave her a single piece of candy with the words "I Love you" written on the label. If you do a search online for "love ideas" or "romantic ideas" your going to find much more. If you really want to show your love do something that takes some of the stress and work out of her day. Do the dishes and tell her to relax and watch her favorite show. Cook dinner for her. Do laundry for her. Show her this love you feel. Do not become complacent about it. Keep it up and you will find that doing this things gives you a feeling of satisfaction too. Every time you do these things for her your making her think about you. And that is a good thing. For you Girls Realize that not every man is going to do these things for you. He may love you with all his heart but for a man sometimes he just cant understand what you need. You have to tell him what you need and sometimes its going to have to be more than once but don't nag. When he does get a clue and starts to show you how he feels show your appreciation. Really this is simple. Hug him and tell him how wonderful he is. Give him a big long kiss. Snuggle with your man while he watches the game or other favorite show and kiss him during commercials. Cook his favorite dinner for him. And the big one.. make love to him and participate in it don't just lay there and take it. And yes love notes work on guys too. But don't be the first to act, let him start it otherwise you might bruise his ego. And we guys are very sensitive in that spot.

How Women Can Learn To Say No

As women, saying the word “NO” is something we dread and fear, because we convince ourselves that not “going with the flow” will lead to rejection, or even cause people not to like us. The truth is, however, that learning to say “no” can be the very thing that opens up doors and allows us a clear path to our true desires. “No” can be a powerful word that can help you avoid situations that lead to emotional distress and suffering. It’s easy to feel when your body is contracting and telling you “NO;” nonetheless we often ignore this feeling and proceed anyway, and this is where the problem lies.

Finding Answers

“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What should I do if I want to win her back?” – Evans

I think the real question is, what makes you think that winning her back is the course of action you should be pursuing? “I don’t want a boyfriend or commitment” sounds to me like she’s made it pretty clear to you. Remember that love is not a contest to be won! If you’d like to learn and grow from this experience, try sitting down with her and talking about what it was that, from her perspective, caused the downfall of the relationship. Then you can take that information and use it to better yourself for your next relationship – with someone who actually wants one.

“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give up some things for our relationship?” – Brandon

There are nearly seven billion people on this planet, and out of all of them, she chose to be with YOU. There, doesn’t that make you feel great? How much more does she have to prove? Love is not about jumping through hoops or passing tests; if you look at the situation from a more positive angle, you’ll see that she is committed to the relationship, and that you’ve simply been looking for ways to disprove that.

Healing From An Affair

“My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3 times a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to have a 2½ yr affair and have no feelings for her?” – Melissa

Monogamy and trust are two major components that make us feel safe and respected within the boundaries of a relationship. When even one of those components gets damaged or destroyed, it often takes the other one with it, and then you’re left wondering how you can anchor yourself and start rebuilding. When a relationship falls apart in such a devastating way, you have to be stern and direct with the questions you ask – not to him, but to yourself. What exactly would the situation have to be in order for trust to be there again? What would it take for you to be able to trust your husband again – both in terms of monogamy and in terms of knowing that he’s not lying? Also, it can be helpful to ask yourself what your own role is in all this.

Why Anal Sex Can Hurt

Anal sex is not just about penetration of the anus. It encompasses other activities like analingus (licking of the anal region) or fingering the anal hole of your partner. But admittedly, when we say “anal sex” the first thing that comes to mind is penetration.

Do heterosexual couples engage in anal sex? Yes, absolutely. It may surprise some people but there are many straight couples that love anal sex. First of all, anal sex is a popular taboo and the thrill of doing something that’s not supposed to be done adds to the excitement of trying it out. Couples who have tried it often feel a lot closer afterwards.

Trust level is an important factor to consider if you are thinking of trying anal sex. I will not lie to you; the first time you do it, it will hurt. Even after you have been doing it for a while, there is still a certain amount of physical discomfort.

Here are some reasons why anal sex can hurt, and why you need to stock up on lube if you want to try it.

Anal Sex Can Hurt If You Aren’t Expecting It

There is such a thing as a “surprise anal” sex move, but this is so emotionally damaging that I do not recommend it. A man should always ask you nicely if he wants to put it in your ass. At the very least, he should give you the chance to prepare yourself. If a guy dares pull off this stunt, the shock combined with the sense of betrayal that you feel can contribute to the overwhelming physical pain.

Anal Sex Can Hurt If You Are Being Forced To Try It

Even if your boyfriend or husband asks for permission, if you really don’t want to try it, it will hurt. You have to be completely relaxed to enjoy anal sex. Moreover, you have to trust your partner enough to believe that he will stop when you ask him to. The muscle outside the rectum tightens when stimulated, and it will tighten even more when you’re tense or scared. Forcing entry when this muscle is too tight to allow entry can contribute to the hurt.

Anal Sex Can Hurt If You Are Not Lubricated Enough

Relaxing will help ease the initial pain of anal sex, but no amount of relaxation will ease the discomfort if the sphincter muscle isn’t lubricated enough. Spread some lube on your partner’s member or your anal sex toy and a huge dollop on your anal region to make anal sex more pleasurable.

If you’re intent on going for it, ask your partner to gradually loosen the sphincter muscle with gentle stimulation and fondling. He must never touch your sphincter without applying lubricant first. Also, remember to wash well after anal sex.

One major appeal of anal sex for me is the fact that it can be your dirty little secret. It’s extremely exciting to know that you’re both acting like a prim-and-proper, lovey-dovey couple in public, while you’re doing something “taboo” in private.

Sex Tips for Virgins on Their Wedding Night

How to Make Your Wedding Night Unforgettable

If you'll be a virgin when you get married, you're probably feeling some apprehension about what will happen on your wedding night. Here are tips and advice to help things go smoothly.

How to Communicate BEFORE the wedding night
Pick a quiet moment to ask your soon-to-be-spouse "are you feeling nervous at all about our wedding night?" Odds are, he or she will be relieved to have the opportunity to talk about it. Talk about what your hopes and fears are. If your partner has sexual experience or you want to prevent pregnancy, talking about safer sex is essential. You may want to visit a counselor, or talk about sex during your pre-wedding counseling. If you are too nervous to bring up the subject of sex, consider leaving a magazine open, or even forwarding this article in an email.

How to communicate DURING sex
The most important sex tip for being a great lover is to learn how to communicate in bed. For nervous first timers, it might seem more natural to stay silent; dirty talk can be intimidating. Try saying, "That feels good" or just moaning a little when you like something. Be observant of your partner as well - if they're quiet and still, you might want to try something different. You can ask, "Does that feel good?" or "Can I try..." Most importantly, speak up when something doesn't feel good. Sex can and should give both of you pleasure.

Will she bleed? Will it be painful?
When a woman loses her virginity, it is possible for it to be a little bloody or painful. However, it shouldn't last for too long, and it is almost never very serious. To make things easier, make sure there's plenty of foreplay before you try penetration. You'll also want to have a good lubricant. I recommend a brand called "Slippery Stuff" because it is safe to use with latex, and it's glycerin-free. (Glycerin can cause yeast infections.) Even if you use a lubricated condom, you'll want to use extra lube. And, if you're afraid of bleeding on the hotel sheets, bring a towel with you, or your own sheets.

Will he be able to maintain an erection? What happens if he can't?
The pressure of the wedding night can be too much for many men. If things aren't "working," try to change up the mood. Spend some time kissing, and fondling each other. Perhaps make a game out of how many different body parts you can kiss, or be a little more serious by talking about the wedding, your love for each other, and milestones ahead of you.

Will I be any good? How can I wow my new husband or wife?
Sex, like most things, takes practice. You are likely to be a little clumsy and to feel a little goofy. Take things slowly, and try to listen to your partner. Find out what feels good, and what doesn't. Don't be afraid to ask! But don't concentrate on how mind-blowing (or not!) the physical feelings are. Instead try to be gentle with one another, and focus on how amazing it is to finally be in each other's arms as a married couple. For tips on making the sex as amazing as possible

20 top sex tips for men

1 Men aren’t irresistible and not all women are desperate for sex. Good lovemaking starts long before you reach the bedroom, so before any date, have a bath. Everyone smells: some women like the smell of male sweat, others don’t, but no one likes the smell of stale sweat.

2 Teeth are as important as the groin and armpits. Don’t forget to brush them after your bath. When kissing a girl, or even sitting close to her, she won’t want to smell your bad breath or notice salad between your teeth any more than she’ll want to smell yesterday’s sweat.

3 Avoid a heavy meal before sex. Oysters and asparagus are assumed to be aphrodisiacs, but this is only because of visual or olfactory associations. Champagne is a better bet, but choose a less acidic one, lest exotic Kama Sutra-style acts cause indigestion.

4 Be careful with drink. We all know drinking increases a man’s desire but decreases his ability, but not everyone realises it also affects a woman’s sexual response. More than two or three drinks and some women may be loving but physiologically limited.

5 Any penile discharge or sore, however apparently trivial, means that sex is out. Chlamydia in the male may be almost symptom-free. It may show only as a mild inflammation of the end of the penis, so that the lips are stuck together in the morning.

6 Always use a condom with a new partner, even if she seems as innocent as a nun. Regular partners should still have chlamydia and blood tests.

7 Men fear judgment, whether by colleagues in the office, teammates in the changing room or, above all, by a new girlfriend. Penis size can worry some men. Remember that someone’s penis always looks smaller to the owner than to an onlooker. Women may prefer a medium-size but thick penis but, if a lover is attentive, even if offering a button rather than a baton, it won’t matter.

8 Don’t rush into sex and focus attention immediately on the genitalia. Take it slowly. Learn to massage. This can easily shade into great foreplay, especially if your partner is tired or stressed. Use plenty of lubrication.

9 Make certain that your partner knows how attractive you find her by paying as much attention to kissing her, complimenting her and generally spoiling her. Don’t neglect the breasts and other erogenous zones.

10 Both sexes have off days. Most men occasionally have poor or tardy erections and even fit, athletic, overenthusiastic men, as well as the inexperienced and anxious, may suffer premature ejaculation.

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, the Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic

SUZI GODSON

1 There’s no substitute for excitement. The range of lubricants on the market can add slip and slide, but should never be used as a short cut.

2 There’s more to sex than pushing the right button. Men have discovered that the key to female orgasm is clitoral stimulation, and many now rub the lamp rather than poking around inside it. The upside is that women are climaxing more often but the increase in emphasis on genital manipulation has made for some very mechanical sex. Going straight to the erogenous zones is the equivalent of fast forward. Men who focus on left breast, right breast, genitals, reduce their partner to a set of body parts.

3 Though clitoral orgasm is easy to achieve, most women want to experience penetrative orgasm. Intercourse is the ultimate connection between man and woman and the sensation of fullness that it creates is intensely pleasurable.

4 Women are slow burners. They take longer to become aroused and get as much pleasure, if not more, out of tenderness, kissing and cuddling. Though quickie sex has its place, for women on the whole, the longer sex takes, the better it feels. If arousal is allowed to build gradually, it floods the whole body rather than being confined to the genital area and a delayed orgasm is infinitely more powerful than an orgasm induced by five minutes of digital manipulation.

5 Sexual gymnastics are often distracting. Chopping and changing positions and techniques can make a woman’s sexual excitement plummet.

6 Thrusting for hours without climaxing doesn’t make you a stud muffin. It does make the vagina numb and sore.

7 Don’t assume your partner is comfortable in her own skin. A survey of 3,500 British women, by the bathroom equipment company SHUC, found that one woman in ten feels so embarrassed about her body that she turns the lights out before taking off her clothes. The average woman still spends a lot of time every day beating herself up about her weight and looks. Nakedness increases that vulnerability, so be sensitive to her insecurities and, if you think that your partner looks great, for God’s sake tell her.

8 Be polite. Never nudge your partner’s head towards your nether regions. During fellatio don’t thrust into your partner’s mouth, don’t hold the side of her head – and definitely warn her when you think you are going to come. With regard to orgasm, always operate a ladies-first policy.

9 Put a little X in your sex. Watching steamy movies with your partner will increase the chance that you will have sex.

10 Remember to take your socks off.

Blow him away

The ultimate blow job features five key elements: warmth, wetness, eagerness, repetition and at least one surprise manoeuvre. Let Cosmo show you how to perfect this winning combo and your mouth will be his favourite place on the planet...